Love and language: Challenges and opportunities in learning Chinese with a partner

Some say that dating a native speaker is the ultimate shortcut to fluency. “You’ll learn effortlessly with a teacher always by your side!” But is learning Chinese with a partner really the silver bullet it’s often made out to be?

Without going into too much personal detail, I have had my fair share of experience learning a language with a Chinese-speaking partner.

This doesn’t mean I know everything about the topic, but I think I’m well-placed to highlight some misconceptions, myths, and misunderstandings.

Tune in to the Hacking Chinese Podcast to listen to the related episode (#237):

Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube and many other platforms!

Myth #1: A Chinese-speaking partner will make you great at Chinese

The myth is that having a Chinese partner magically improves your language skills.

This is not true.

What improves your Chinese is comprehensible input and engagement with the language. If you get that from your partner, then congratulations; that will help you learn the language. If you don’t get it, however, you’re not much better off than anyone else.

This is similar to the idea of immersion abroad; you don’t learn Chinese simply by living in China. Yes, living in a Chinese-speaking environment will make some things easier. Still, it’s also perfectly possible to live in China for a decade without learning more than occasional words and phrases.

You won’t learn Chinese simply by living abroad

Oh, so that’s why your Chinese is so good!

Thus, one of the most frustrating comments I receive is someone responding: “Oh, so that’s why your Chinese is so good!” when they learn that my wife is Chinese.

While there are many ways to respond, I usually just smile and nod. I sometimes add something about practising a lot.

In reality, my Chinese proficiency stems from years of intense study, living in Taiwan for four years, two of which were spent in a master’s programme for teaching Chinese as a second language aimed at native speakers.

In fact, the cause-and-effect relationship in my case is reversed; I would probably not have connected with my wife if I hadn’t already spoken decent Chinese when we met (I had studied for four years at the time).

You can learn more about my journey in the series starting here: How I learnt Chinese, part 1: Where it all started.

How I learnt Chinese, part 1: Where it all started

Benefits of learning Chinese with a partner

This doesn’t mean I have not benefited from having a Chinese-speaking partner. As mentioned already, it offers many opportunities for real communication about topics you care about. Assuming that your partner mostly speaks Mandarin with you, you will also get tons of comprehensible input.

Over time, this can help you develop an intuitive feel for the language, even if you’re not actively studying. For example, no matter what topics you’re talking about, you’ll be exposed to and need to use tones daily. Your brain is paying attention, and you will learn.

Naturally, the benefits increase the more Chinese you speak. I’ve been together with my wife for well over a decade now and have probably spoken with her in Chinese for more than ten thousand hours (back-of-the-envelope calculation: 13 years, 4000 days, 2.5 hours per day, 10,000 hours).

While this pales in comparison to the total amount of time I’ve engaged with Chinese, it has clearly helped me improve my Chinese immensely.

Motivation is key for learning Chinese in the long term

When your significant other speaks Chinese, this can also provide ample motivation to keep improving your language skills, because you have a direct and immediate use for most things you learn. Improving your tones will make you easier to understand, and expanding your vocabulary will enable your partner to adapt less to your level. All these things are likely to be good for both of you.

As I’ve discussed in an earlier article about intrinsic motivation, relatedness, or connecting socially with other people, is one of the three basic psychological needs that drive human behaviour. The relationship with a partner is more important than most.

How to learn Chinese in the long term with intrinsic motivation

Relationships are not primarily about learning languages

Most of the benefits of having a Chinese-speaking partner assume that Chinese is being spoken in your relationship, but this is not something you can take for granted.

It should come as no surprise, but for most people, relationships are not about learning languages.

Communication is important, but most people will default to their strongest common language. Language is a means to an end, not the end in itself. Unless your Chinese is already quite good, this strongest common language is likely to be English. Hence, most mixed-language couples I know don’t even speak Chinese with each other, not even many who live in a Chinese-speaking environment.

This is okay. As I said, a relationship is not primarily about learning languages; it’s about interacting and communicating. If interacting in Chinese is slow and effortful, it’s easy to switch to English. If you can understand each other better in English, then it takes significant effort and dedication for both of you to use Chinese instead.

Switching to Chinese is not easy even if both of you want to

Even if you both want to start speaking Chinese and want to give it a try, this can be hard. The less Chinese you know, the harder it will be.

As a native speaker, speaking with a beginner learner of your language can be exhausting (not just for the beginner, for whom it’s obviously exhausting). Communication is harder, more frustrating and takes longer than in English, and all the short-term incentives are stacked towards switching to English instead.

Another potential challenge lies in the personality and preferences of your partner. Not all people are willing or skilled teachers, and even those who try may lack the patience to speak Chinese with you for longer periods. You don’t need your partner to teach you vocabulary and grammar explicitly, but you do need to interact with them in Chinese.

My wife and I are lucky in this regard because we are both language teachers, but most people aren’t. Still, we also struggle to speak more Swedish, which is our third strongest language, even if we both want to.

I will share more practical tips on how to speak more Chinese later in this article!

Myth #2: Learning Chinese with a partner will make you sound weird

Your mental representation of what Mandarin is supposed to sound like comes from your environment: the Chinese you read and listen to. Thus, some people are worried that their Chinese will sound weird if they learn from a partner.

After all, different people speak in different ways, and you are not your partner, so if you speak like them, it will be weird. The specific difference students ask about most often is that between male and female patterns of speech. If you’re a man married to a Chinese woman, will your Chinese sound too feminine? Or vice versa, if you’re a female with a male partner, will people think your language is too masculine?

I don’t think this is something you need to worry about. While there are differences in how men and women speak, it’s not like in Japanese where gender plays a much bigger role in grammar and vocabulary. If you do manage to copy your partner’s way of speaking Mandarin perfectly, that wouldn’t be a problem; it would be awesome!

Ultimately, sounding like someone you are not is only a problem if you only learn Chinese from your partner. This would be problematic for many reasons, just like it would not be a good idea to only learn Chinese from a specific tennis player, computer gamer, or rice farmer. You need varied input no matter what.

Chinese listening strategies: Diversify your listening practice

If you are worried about the way your Mandarin sounds, find a suitable target model who speaks the way you want to speak and mimic them. Almost everything you’ve learnt from your partner will be fully applicable here. It’s just about surface details and nuances in intonation.

Learn more about mimicking here: Improving your Chinese pronunciation by mimicking native speakers. Here’s a video where I talk about this:

Myth #3: You will learn dumbed-down Chinese from your partner

Unless your Chinese is already quite advanced, your partner will need to use simpler vocabulary and grammar to talk to you. They will also lower their rate of speech and try to speak more clearly.

Generally speaking, this is a good thing. It means you stand a better chance of understanding what they’re saying, which means you will also learn more.

However, it does give rise to a potential concern: If your partner is dumbing down the language to make it easier for you to understand, will this mean that you’ll learn a dumbed-down version of Chinese?

In my opinion, this is a non-issue. As your Chinese improves, your partner will naturally adjust to your level. They are used to speaking with other native speakers and as the need to simplify the language when speaking with you decreases, they will speak in a more natural way.

And even if they keep avoiding using the most difficult vocabulary and complex grammar, this would only be a problem if you only speak with your partner, which is, as we have seen, not a good idea in the first place.

Don’t take your partner’s support for granted

While partners care more about you than the average teacher or language exchange, they don’t necessarily care that much about your language learning. It’s essential not to take any support you get for granted. Treating your partner as a personal teacher or dictionary can quickly strain the relationship.

Mutual respect and boundaries are critical; offering something in return, like helping with their English or another language, creates balance, although that does assume that your partner wants to learn your language and doesn’t already know it. Another option is to try really hard to practise your Chinese in ways that are fun for both of you.

Suggestions for learning with a partner

Now that we have discussed learning Chinese with a partner more in general, including some of the opportunities and challenges it presents, let me give some tips and suggestions for better learning with a partner:

• Sitch to Chinese in specific circumstances. Try limiting it to specific times (between 8 and 10 in the evening) or specific places (in the living room and kitchen). You can also commit to speaking Chinese for at least 10 minutes before giving up. Next time, you might be able to manage 12 minutes.
• You can also try the opposite: speak Chinese whenever you can. If you know how to say “this is really tasty” in Chinese, then say that, even if everything else is in English. If you know how to say that you’re going out for a walk, then say that in Chinese.
• Remember that your partner is a person, not a tool. Avoid relying on them solely for language practice. Balance the relationship by offering something in return. For instance, if you ask them questions about Chinese, be open to answering their questions about your language.
• Focus on meaning, not language. Even if your partner is willing to invest extra effort and time into a conversation because it’s in Chinese rather than English, this doesn’t mean that they are interested in talking about how the third tone changes or where to put 了 in a sentence. Focus on real communication and save the language-related questions for a teacher.

Good luck! If you have further ideas for how to switch language, or a story to share, please leave a comment!

Becoming fluent without a Chinese partner

You can, of course, achieve fluency without a Chinese partner. As mentioned, the main benefit of such a relationship is making learning more enjoyable and practical, but it’s not indispensable.

In my article about the three paths to Chinese mastery, “having your social life in Chinese” is one of the paths, but there are more ways to interact with native speakers than marrying one.

There are also two other paths:

1. Using Chinese in your job
2. Cultivating a genuine interest

The three roads to mastering Chinese

Conclusion

Learning Chinese with a partner can be a wonderful and motivating experience, but it’s not a silver bullet. Consistent exposure and engagement are what teach you Chinese, and there are many ways to get that.

One of them is to have a Chinese-speaking partner, which can make certain aspects of learning more enjoyable and accessible, but structured learning methods, self-study, and formal courses are also important.

And, as a final reminder, healthy relationships are not transactional; if you regard your partner as a teacher or dictionary, I don’t have high hopes for your relationship.

Being able to communicate is key, and then speaking languages other than Chinese might be the best option, at least in the short term.

In the long term, however, learning Chinese might lead to an even better situation (ask my wife), but it’s your responsibility to get there, not your partner’s.

Editors note: This article, originally published in 2014, was rewritten from scratch and massively updated in February 2025.